Negative Self-Talk

So, one of the things that I struggle with is negative self talk. I criticize myself unnecessarily. I try not to. I try to have an honest view of myself and what I’m worth, but when I get fed negativity it is hard.  Well, shoot Brett. Just cut out the negative people from your life.

Um…. one of those negative people is my boss.  I would need to find a new job to do that.

My boss.  In one person both the best boss I’ve ever had and the worst boss I’ve ever had.  He has your back- he truly does. He’s honest and fights for you.  But, he is the worst communicator.  And, what’s worse- nothing is ever his fault. Even when I tell him the sky is blue and he assumes it’s red, it’s my fault, even though I told him in person and in email.  Yep, all my fault.  Every time.  He is perfect and can do no wrong.

Now, I know that people from South East Asia have a strong sense of image and pride and will fight to protect their image, but he takes it to an extreme.  If I walk into work and just willy-nilly power off the servers and bring the company to it’s knees, he will be upset (I haven’t done that, just an example.)  But, if I make him look bad….. ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE! He becomes unhinged!  And, don’t forget- it’s my fault. I’ve had my ass chewed out for the most minor things- literally things I wouldn’t have thought twice about- all because in his mind it made him look bad.

On top of the negativity from him constantly making me think I’m wrong all the time, he also lately has been feeding me this line that I have it so good at my current job and I shouldn’t try looking for work elsewhere. It’s too hard, you’re too secure, you would have to start over at the bottom is what he tells me.  Negativity fed into me. I shouldn’t try.

Now, I want to try. I want to find something that pays more and is a nicer fit for me, but I have to fight with the feeling that I’m not good enough.  Gee, I’m lacking that skill on the job listing, therefore I shouldn’t apply. I need more skills if I’m to get a better job.  Then there’s the question of what skills to obtain first.  Ugh!

So, what to do?  I’m going to try to find some other work, regardless of missing skills.  I need to be away from a man that won’t listen to me when I say we need 3 items, spell out who needs those items, and then spend the next 15 minutes repeating myself and the list of people because my boss has it in his head that we only need 2 items (this is a real example- I kid you not). I need to be away from the man who I have to explain IT terms and functions to the way I would a grade school kid who knows nothing about IT.  Yes, his title is CIO. I need to be in a place where I’m not the blame for everything he fucks up.

Today was an awful day at work. I should have called in.  I wanted to leave early. But, I went in, I did my job, and one item I did that was part of my job I’m now in trouble for.  In trouble because my boss didn’t clearly communicate to me.  In trouble because I was not feeling well and didn’t extrapolate on the lack of communication from my boss to arrive at the conclusion he wanted, all because I wasn’t 100% today and all because he didn’t explicitly tell me not to do my job. “Don’t do this thing over here,” but the rest is OK to do. Oh, but it’s not OK to do. Guess I should have magically fucking known that.

I’ve gotten pretty good at figuring my boss out and knowing how to manage him.  But, I feel held back.  I also feel inadequate. I want more, but I’m afraid I don’t measure up.  Is this really how I am, or are these doubts just the things fed to me from my boss?

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