Angry and Irritable and Tired

I’m tired. I ache. Every muscle in my body is screaming at me. Deep down I need to recharge.  I’m exhausted, and I’m not 100% sure why. I have a theory though.

Part of me thinks that I am pushing myself too hard physically.  The last few weeks my wife and I have intensified our workouts.  I get maybe 2 days where I’m not killing myself physically.  My body is trying to shut down to heal, and I’m not letting it. I get it, I’m fucking old.  I cant push myself like this forever.  But, my wife insists, so I keep going.

Yesterday I left work early.  Angry, irritable, exhausted. Second time I’ve taken time off work due to this. I tried to just force myself to   So, I left.

I noticed when I’m tired I get extremely irritable.  My body was screaming at me yesterday also. It wanted to shut down. It wanted to just be left alone. Mentally, I wanted to be left alone.  Had I been left alone I think maybe I could have handled it.  Maybe.  But, fucking Murphy’s fucking law, that’s the day everyone fucking chooses to annoy the fucking hell out of me.  Constantly.

I’m irritable right now. I took 4 ibuprofen and they aren’t helping. My internet service provider decided to turn off our service rather than just auto-bill us. They apparently don’t like billing us on the day the bill is due, so they just shut us off.  Maybe they’re lonely and just want people to talk to.  I’m looking at other service providers.

My fucking someday son-in-law is too fucking lazy to get a fucking job.  Literally every other business in this city is hiring in the most booming economy in years and that lazy fuck can’t find work.  Hmmm…. get off your ass and pound the pavement.  Fuck.  I can’t support your sorry fucking ass anymore.

I’m stressed right now because of finances.  I don’t know how to make ends meet. I want to get a part time job but I know I would have to give up my workouts. My wife has stepped up to help in that arena, but I still want to do something.  I’ve been selling my valuables on eBay to make some extra cash.  Still waiting to get paid on one.  This hurts- some of those things are sentimental and I will never see them again.

My fucking boss is a fucking asshole, but that’s nothing new.  I can at least deal with him… some days.  My co-worker is an emotionally needy weirdo. He’s funny, but he doesn’t leave me alone and feels the need to over-discuss things. He’s also green and screws stuff up.

So, what to do?

I’m cutting back on exercise.  I know my wife will be mad at me, as she is a slave driver. Her favorite t-shirt has the saying “Schadenfreude” on it.  I can’t keep on killing myself physically and not expect repercussions.

I’m also attempting to schedule a physical checkup. I have ZERO desire to attempt to see a counselor, as the last time I did my boss about fired me because I wasn’t around to fix something he couldn’t figure out and was mad at me because I wasn’t back at work when he wanted me. So, that left me with a horrible impression.

I’ve been attempting to find other work. The “perfect fit” jobs for me are all contract work.  I’m not in a position to do contract work, I need something full time.  One really promising job ended up going nowhere. I kept reaching out to the people and they completely dropped the ball.  Probably someone else got hired and they didn’t bother telling me. Other jobs have requirements for stuff I don’t have, and I have either been too afraid to apply, or the few I do apply at I don’t hear back from.  I wonder how much of my boss’ negativity I’m letting get to me.  He’s been feeding me negativity to keep me there, because he knows he can’t do my job, and he shoots down all my initiatives to improve stuff at work because he is afraid I’ll learn something new that will make me more employable elsewhere. I should pick up some new skills that will make me more employable. What skills is the big question.

So, what do I do? Well, good question. I’m cutting back on exercise. Going to skip boot camp this weekend also.  I’ve got too much crap to fix around the house anyway. I’ve scheduled a doctors appointment. I’m resting until I feel better. That’s a start.

I walked into work this morning bright and early, thinking I could get some mental “me” time and get my head straight. I looked at my zones of regulation chart my wife made for me- I’m at a 3 with nothing happening yet.  Then someone walks into my office with something so damn petty any 3 year old would have the acumen to troubleshoot. I’m now at a 4.  Check my email- that didn’t help. Crap. “HEY, BRETT! HOW’S IT GOING?” says my overly enthusiastic and annoying co-worker in the most annoying way possible.  Then my boss calls. This is not going to be a good day. Now I’m going home because I know I can’t deal with this bullshit.  I guess it’s good that I’m more self-aware of where I am at emotionally. I just can’t help the fact that I’m feeling like crap physically and emotionally.

Am I just a naturally angry person? Do I just bottle things until I explode? I don’t know. I’m too tired to think about this stuff.

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