I’m tired. I ache. Every muscle in my body is screaming at me. Deep down I need to recharge.  I’m exhausted, and I’m not 100% sure why. I have a theory though.

Part of me thinks that I am pushing myself too hard physically.  The last few weeks my wife and I have intensified our workouts.  I get maybe 2 days where I’m not killing myself physically.  My body is trying to shut down to heal, and I’m not letting it. I get it, I’m fucking old.  I cant push myself like this forever.  But, my wife insists, so I keep going.

Yesterday I left work early.  Angry, irritable, exhausted. Second time I’ve taken time off work due to this. I tried to just force myself to   So, I left.

I noticed when I’m tired I get extremely irritable.  My body was screaming at me yesterday also. It wanted to shut down. It wanted to just be left alone. Mentally, I wanted to be left alone.  Had I been left alone I think maybe I could have handled it.  Maybe.  But, fucking Murphy’s fucking law, that’s the day everyone fucking chooses to annoy the fucking hell out of me.  Constantly.

I’m irritable right now. I took 4 ibuprofen and they aren’t helping. My internet service provider decided to turn off our service rather than just auto-bill us. They apparently don’t like billing us on the day the bill is due, so they just shut us off.  Maybe they’re lonely and just want people to talk to.  I’m looking at other service providers.

My fucking someday son-in-law is too fucking lazy to get a fucking job.  Literally every other business in this city is hiring in the most booming economy in years and that lazy fuck can’t find work.  Hmmm…. get off your ass and pound the pavement.  Fuck.  I can’t support your sorry fucking ass anymore.

I’m stressed right now because of finances.  I don’t know how to make ends meet. I want to get a part time job but I know I would have to give up my workouts. My wife has stepped up to help in that arena, but I still want to do something.  I’ve been selling my valuables on eBay to make some extra cash.  Still waiting to get paid on one.  This hurts- some of those things are sentimental and I will never see them again.

My fucking boss is a fucking asshole, but that’s nothing new.  I can at least deal with him… some days.  My co-worker is an emotionally needy weirdo. He’s funny, but he doesn’t leave me alone and feels the need to over-discuss things. He’s also green and screws stuff up.

So, what to do?

I’m cutting back on exercise.  I know my wife will be mad at me, as she is a slave driver. Her favorite t-shirt has the saying “Schadenfreude” on it.  I can’t keep on killing myself physically and not expect repercussions.

I’m also attempting to schedule a physical checkup. I have ZERO desire to attempt to see a counselor, as the last time I did my boss about fired me because I wasn’t around to fix something he couldn’t figure out and was mad at me because I wasn’t back at work when he wanted me. So, that left me with a horrible impression.

I’ve been attempting to find other work. The “perfect fit” jobs for me are all contract work.  I’m not in a position to do contract work, I need something full time.  One really promising job ended up going nowhere. I kept reaching out to the people and they completely dropped the ball.  Probably someone else got hired and they didn’t bother telling me. Other jobs have requirements for stuff I don’t have, and I have either been too afraid to apply, or the few I do apply at I don’t hear back from.  I wonder how much of my boss’ negativity I’m letting get to me.  He’s been feeding me negativity to keep me there, because he knows he can’t do my job, and he shoots down all my initiatives to improve stuff at work because he is afraid I’ll learn something new that will make me more employable elsewhere. I should pick up some new skills that will make me more employable. What skills is the big question.

So, what do I do? Well, good question. I’m cutting back on exercise. Going to skip boot camp this weekend also.  I’ve got too much crap to fix around the house anyway. I’ve scheduled a doctors appointment. I’m resting until I feel better. That’s a start.

I walked into work this morning bright and early, thinking I could get some mental “me” time and get my head straight. I looked at my zones of regulation chart my wife made for me- I’m at a 3 with nothing happening yet.  Then someone walks into my office with something so damn petty any 3 year old would have the acumen to troubleshoot. I’m now at a 4.  Check my email- that didn’t help. Crap. “HEY, BRETT! HOW’S IT GOING?” says my overly enthusiastic and annoying co-worker in the most annoying way possible.  Then my boss calls. This is not going to be a good day. Now I’m going home because I know I can’t deal with this bullshit.  I guess it’s good that I’m more self-aware of where I am at emotionally. I just can’t help the fact that I’m feeling like crap physically and emotionally.

Am I just a naturally angry person? Do I just bottle things until I explode? I don’t know. I’m too tired to think about this stuff.

Another muddling day grinding away for a few dollars to pay my bill collectors. Uninspiring and dull. Training and mentoring my assistant, making sure end-users can do their jobs, the usual drudgery of an IT guy. But, that’s uninspiring.  What is inspiring?  Why, I’m glad you asked!

For me, lots of things inspire me, but I love fiction. Sci-fi, fantasy, comics- you name it!  The last two years I have been running a D&D campaign set in a fantasy world of my own creation. Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever created your own world, but it can be daunting.  The hardest part was getting started.  How do you start creating a world? Shoot. That’s hard!

I eventually decided on a big picture view of my world. What gods are there in the world? This took me some time to come up with, but I decided to build a pantheon based on the seven vices and virtues.  OK, that’s a start. How do people in the world view the gods?  Well, how about a mixture of opinions? How about most view that each god has its own place in life?  Hmm….

How about the world history? I love the idea of Lovecraft’s elder gods, the horrific C’Thulu type terrors that exist to haunt and destroy and create nightmares? I don’t like Lovecraft’s idea that horror is the norm and life as we know it is the exception, I would rather the horror be the exception.  So, I decided to put them in my world. Why not downplay them until the players discover their true nature? Sure! Let’s call them Titans! Greek nod, but Lovecraftian horror. Yes, my world is shaping up.

Then I need some world themes.  Well, I have 14 gods, how about 14 continents? 14 mountains in the mountains of the gods? 14 months in the year? 14 great weapons hidden in the world?  I love it!

How do the gods interact with the titans? Well, the gods banished the titans, obviously. They actively protect the world from the titans returning, and have blocked all travel to the world from all planes of existence. Now I have this great war with the gods and titans and the world being thrown into turmoil, and a new age beginning at the expulsion of the titans.  Very cool.

Now, I need a big, bad guy.  I won’t discuss the inspiration for him or his back story, but it is truly frightening!  Muahahahaaaa!!!!!  I drew upon ideas and stories I had back when I first started playing D&D back in the late 80’s.  If we are able to play long enough the players will uncover something truly epic and frightening.

Now, what other inspiration can I draw from?  Well, I loved the Dune series. The idea of a rare resource only located in one place was cool. Psychotropic berries.  Enderberries, from the town Enderbrooke, named after the river blessed by the gods after the battle of the titans. Due to the holy nature of the water the berries will only grow along the riverbank. They are sought after by all the peoples of the world.

Now kingdoms.  Well, elf, dwarf, halfling kingdoms seem logical. How about a magocracy? Yes! Where will my story take place? The untamed lands, a place with no ruler, everyone governs themselves, and all the kingdoms of the world want to rule.  What keeps them out? Prophecy and the threat of destruction of Enderberries if anyone invades.  But I love political intrigue, so lets give all kingdoms of the world a chance to claim ownership of the untamed lands.  So, with these ideas percolating I began to build my world.

Needless to say, this has been fun and inspiring, and has kept me busy creating plots, characters, political intrigue, and stories.  It’s been fun and exciting!

Some days I have no desire to create- yesterday was such a day.  Today I have the muse.  I want to create. I want to write.  There’s a bunch of work I need to do as I have details for my current adventure to hammer out and I have another adventure after this one to write, but while the muse is upon me I shall write!

What inspires you to create?

Yesterday, my wife was running on empty. She was drained. And I was going to spend my time encouraging her.  Since I had the day off I was going to encourage her.

I started off in the morning trying to help her in the morning and letting her know how wonderful she is.  I have her some final words of encouragement as she left for work, as that is where she was being discouraged.  Then I did some things I needed to do, and worked on laundry.  I planned dinner, went to the store, bought her a card and a bouquet of flowers.  I was in process of folding laundry when she got home.

She had a rough day at work so a big long hug was in order.  I told her I’m taking her out to lunch, since I knew we could as I was expecting some extra money from some side work.  She had planned on having us do some running, but I told her we should bag it and just recuperate. She needed it.  Off to lunch where we had fattening food and blew our diet, but she needed a treat. I let her know how wonderful she was and we watched really terrible music videos that were playing on one of the TV’s at the restaurant.

Picked up Josiah from school and went home. Back home I told her to go sit down as I had dinner.  So, I made dinner for everyone- my wife and I skipped out as we were full. I not only made dinner but I also made Mac and Cheese for my picky daughter.  Got that all cleaned up and noticed my wife had folded the laundry and was watching TV.  I put away all the laundry and cleaned out some of my dresser drawers.

Then after kids were in bed I had her lay down and gave her a full body massage.  She enjoyed it.

My wife is such a huge encouragement to me, it feels good to give her encouragement back.  Making her day better made me feel better. She means the world to me and I hope I helped her recharge. She deserves to be spoiled and treated from time to time.

She is my inspiration, my helper, and the most incredible person I know. She has strength beyond any physical strength, she has wisdom beyond her years, and she has compassion greater than anyone I’ve met. I value her honesty, her integrity, and her willingness to put up with me.  Yep.  I’m sure I’m not easy to live with at times, but she has never stopped loving me and caring for me, and I value her more than anyone on the planet.

Yesterday I was feeling horrible, my muscles ached, my body was trying to shut down, and my stomach was turning.  So, did I go home? Nope. I tried to tough it out.  Eventually I gave up and went home after my assistant asked me what he could do as I was grumbling and swearing under my breath all day.  When I get like that, I need to stop and go home and rest. Nothing good comes from me when I’m that miserable and trying to work.

I went home and tried to sleep.  My phone wouldn’t stop exploding. Random sales calls, people in the office, and my boss.  Yep, my boss. Ugh. He made me feel like I’m a complete failure, as he is want to do. Now not only was I feeling physically horrible I was now emotionally feeling horrible.

I tried to sleep. The kids were loud, I kept getting interrupted, I didn’t get much rest.  I finally fell asleep only to be woke by my wife. She wanted to know if I had started dinner. And, once more, I felt like a failure.  And I snapped at her.

We had a rough night. She was angry with me, and I was still feeling horrible and even more horrible in that I had hurt her by some unkind words.

We eventually talked and worked things out. We always work our problems out, which is one thing I love about her. But it left her feeling empty, and me feeling exhausted.

So, it’s no surprise that I decided to take the day off.

I’m writing this blog while listening to a webcast on RDP security. Right before that I was working on notes for my book. My body is healing, still hurts but my nausea has subsided. I am being personally productive, but I am resting.

Why don’t I rest more?  I run and run and run and stay busy and fix things and try to be Superman for everyone at work and home, and I don’t ever stop. At home when I stop for a minute and I’m not running around, I’m looking for the next thing to do, the next thing to fix. That doesn’t include the things I’m working on for my goals, just things to do for Tracy, for the kids, to fix or clean the house, etc. etc. etc…

I am not Superman, obviously.  I can’t do everything, and I shouldn’t try.  I also need the occasional day of rest to heal and regenerate and refocus on what’s important.

I hate what forced me to take a day off, but I’m glad I took today off.  I’m glad I can take this time to refocus and recharge. I’m sure my boss will still be an ass when I get back to work. My co-workers will ask annoying things and pester me to no end. My house will still need work done and my wife will still need me to do chores.

But, I will be ready for it.

“Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” – Jesus

So, one of the things that I struggle with is negative self talk. I criticize myself unnecessarily. I try not to. I try to have an honest view of myself and what I’m worth, but when I get fed negativity it is hard.  Well, shoot Brett. Just cut out the negative people from your life.

Um…. one of those negative people is my boss.  I would need to find a new job to do that.

My boss.  In one person both the best boss I’ve ever had and the worst boss I’ve ever had.  He has your back- he truly does. He’s honest and fights for you.  But, he is the worst communicator.  And, what’s worse- nothing is ever his fault. Even when I tell him the sky is blue and he assumes it’s red, it’s my fault, even though I told him in person and in email.  Yep, all my fault.  Every time.  He is perfect and can do no wrong.

Now, I know that people from South East Asia have a strong sense of image and pride and will fight to protect their image, but he takes it to an extreme.  If I walk into work and just willy-nilly power off the servers and bring the company to it’s knees, he will be upset (I haven’t done that, just an example.)  But, if I make him look bad….. ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE! He becomes unhinged!  And, don’t forget- it’s my fault. I’ve had my ass chewed out for the most minor things- literally things I wouldn’t have thought twice about- all because in his mind it made him look bad.

On top of the negativity from him constantly making me think I’m wrong all the time, he also lately has been feeding me this line that I have it so good at my current job and I shouldn’t try looking for work elsewhere. It’s too hard, you’re too secure, you would have to start over at the bottom is what he tells me.  Negativity fed into me. I shouldn’t try.

Now, I want to try. I want to find something that pays more and is a nicer fit for me, but I have to fight with the feeling that I’m not good enough.  Gee, I’m lacking that skill on the job listing, therefore I shouldn’t apply. I need more skills if I’m to get a better job.  Then there’s the question of what skills to obtain first.  Ugh!

So, what to do?  I’m going to try to find some other work, regardless of missing skills.  I need to be away from a man that won’t listen to me when I say we need 3 items, spell out who needs those items, and then spend the next 15 minutes repeating myself and the list of people because my boss has it in his head that we only need 2 items (this is a real example- I kid you not). I need to be away from the man who I have to explain IT terms and functions to the way I would a grade school kid who knows nothing about IT.  Yes, his title is CIO. I need to be in a place where I’m not the blame for everything he fucks up.

Today was an awful day at work. I should have called in.  I wanted to leave early. But, I went in, I did my job, and one item I did that was part of my job I’m now in trouble for.  In trouble because my boss didn’t clearly communicate to me.  In trouble because I was not feeling well and didn’t extrapolate on the lack of communication from my boss to arrive at the conclusion he wanted, all because I wasn’t 100% today and all because he didn’t explicitly tell me not to do my job. “Don’t do this thing over here,” but the rest is OK to do. Oh, but it’s not OK to do. Guess I should have magically fucking known that.

I’ve gotten pretty good at figuring my boss out and knowing how to manage him.  But, I feel held back.  I also feel inadequate. I want more, but I’m afraid I don’t measure up.  Is this really how I am, or are these doubts just the things fed to me from my boss?

11/12/2018

1. For flirting via text messages
2. For sleep
3. For coffee
4. For energy to finish my day
5. For reviews

11/11/2018

1. For awesome sex with my wife
2. For lazy Sundays
3. For a fridge and freezer full of food
4. For the warmth of a working furnace
5. For guacamole

11/5/2018

1. For keeping my cool throughout the day
2. For the money my wife is making tonight
3. For my kids being able to be honest with me
4. For having enough money to go buy a new shirt
5. For being able to sacrifice the things that don’t really matter, even if they have a lot of sentiment for me

10/28/2018

1. For sleeping in
2. For omelette! Yummy!
3. For the little funny things I see on Facebook
4. For my wife finding the extra charger for my watch
5. For going roller skating and giving it one more try.

10/27/2018

1. For boot camp workout
2. For surviving Costco
3. For hamburgers
4. For going to a party where I knew no one
5. For alcohol that I didn’t have to pay for

10/26/2018

1. For adventure planning
2. For snack size candy
3. For 8 hours of sleep
4. For fun times with my wife.  😉
5. For FRIDAY!!!

10/25/2018

1. For time with my wife this morning.  😉
2. For sore muscles (that aren’t too sore)
3. For not having to work in the rain
4. For my co-worker Adrian
5. For my daughter and her enthusiasm to play D&D

10/24/2018

1. For being able to encourage my wife
2. For having a good co-worker who cares
3. For my body feeling better
4. For having thick skin to deal with assholes
5. For my boss not working in the same building

10/23/2018

1. For time off of work
2. For being able to encourage my wife
3. For time to write
4. For a roof over my head and food in the house
5. For a chance to recuperate

10/22/2018

Things I’m thankful for today

1.  For sore muscles.  That means I worked them
2. For my restroom break- I needed some time to get my brain on track
3. For my assistant Adrian handling the small tasks for me
4. For my job which helps pay the bills and isn’t too terrible. 😉
5. For my wife and what an inspiration she is

I’ve been procrastinating coming up with goals for myself.  Well, I have goals, I just haven’t formally written them up and began working on them.  Rachel Hollis says to write up a gazillion goals (well, 10, but that’s a gazillion- NO, I AM NOT OVER DRAMATIC!), but I feel it’s more realistic for me to have fewer goals so I’m not trying to spread myself too thin and fail at all of them because I’m overwhelmed. Honestly, one at a time is the best, then once that’s mastered work on another.  But I suppose it’s OK to list more than the one you’re working on at the moment.

So, with that rambling done, let’s get to it.  Here are my personal goals:

1. I am at a healthy weight
2. I write down 5 things I’m thankful for every day
3. I write for 15-30 minutes every day
4. I have created a side gig to generate extra income
5. We are financially stable
6. I ran a 5K by the end of 2019
7. I ran a full marathon by the end of 2020
8. I have published my first book by 2022
9. My wife and I will have a planned date night every month.
10. My wife and I will take a vacation with just the two of us once a year

Well, that’s more goals than I initially planned on putting. Time to print these up and get working on them.

It has been almost a year since I decided to get serious about my health and to start losing weight. The journey had been amazing, more amazing in that my wife and I are in this together. I honestly don’t know how I would have done without her encouragement and knowing she is on this journey with me.

But, to get healthy I had to quit my second job.  Let’s just say the lack of that income has really strained us. That, and my lack of communication with my wife on how bad things really are. Now, we are working at cutting back and trying to get some extra income coming in. My boss seems to live in some fantasy land and thinks I can just magically cut back $300 in monthly expenses by cutting power and water usage. We cut our water usage massively in January and our bill went up.  Thanks a lot, City of Portland!  Greedy filthy politicians who only see me as a way to fund their bullshit pet projects.  I honestly don’t see us getting to the place we need to be without some side business that will generate some good income. I know I need to step out and take some risks to get this started, but therein lies the issue.

What do I do?

I’ve looked into how to start an eCommerce site and how to effectively market your products.  That will take a bunch of up-front work and a lot of headaches to get this going.  Will it be successful? It might.  Once something like that is going it would give me the flexibility to manage it from anywhere in the world and work on my own hours. There are some folks out there who will provide tools and training to jump start your business- all for a price. It sounds amazing until you have to put down cash you don’t have.  The old fashioned way of starting from scratch seems to be the option left to me if I want to pursue this path.

I’ve thought about doing some side gigs to generate income.  One idea I have is to do voice work. I think if I worked at it I could do well at this, as my voice is fairly nice (or so I’ve been told).   I’ve also considered becoming a notary and notarizing documents for people. The trick here is I would need to get in with some banks or escrow agencies to make any real decent money. Definitely doable, but I would need to sell myself and keep at it until my business grew.

I could get a second job again. I’ve been exploring this option. Apparently I can’t get a driving job due to a speeding ticket I got two years ago.  Thank my freaking day job for that one. I was getting in bed, got a call from my boss, and had to “fix a problem quickly” which required me to drive to my office and fix it, all for one freaking user who can’t seem to keep regular human hours at the office.  Can you tell this still pisses me off?  All I wanted was to go to bed and tell that user to wait till morning.  I know- I could have NOT sped to work. I’m not rational when I’m tired and angry. I won’t do that again.  So, despite that rant, this quest continues.

Some of my quest is frustrated by my own internal fears. I fear taking risks and stepping out to try something and having that something fail. I need to overcome this fear and do it anyways. The worst that can happen is an idea fails and I learn and grow from it.

My biggest frustrations with my money situation?  I hate not being in control of my finances.  I feel like all I am is a spigot of money that goes everywhere but where I want it to go. I hate having to owe money. I feel like a slave.  All I work for is for other people, not myself.

My other frustration is that I don’t feel like I have any time for self improvement.  I know, there are times when I do try to unwind and play a few minutes of Minecraft and that time could be used for self improvement.  Honestly, my mental state when I take 20 minutes to play is one where I need to unwind and escape or I will go crazy. I have to mentally recharge and shut off the outside world from time to time.   I know this sounds like an excuse, but it’s how I’m wired. I know when my mental energies are low and those times I need a break.  I guess my other frustration in this is that when I’m home and not working I feel like it’s my job to take care of everyone else in the house, which never leaves time for me to do anything for myself.  I can’t just go start a blog or research some business or focus on improving myself because the moment I do someone calls my name and needs 100% of my time for the rest of the evening.  This may be a bit of an exaggeration, but I was honestly just interrupted while writing this and had to adamantly demand that I be allowed to finish this blog post.  This makes me feel like my time is not my own, that all I am is a slave at the beck and call of everyone else.  I hate this feeling.

So, what do I do? I think what I will do is have a nice talk with my wife and schedule some time that is me time.  If I can have some “me” time I can use it to work on my skills, my goals, my finances, my blog, and I can use it to start a business or anything.

My kids get to play video games all day and watch movies.  My wife gets time to herself every day- I can’t tell you  the number of Netflix series she has watched while I struggle to find time to watch ONE. My wife is also pretty freaking amazing and task oriented and can get things done, so I don’t begrudge her some leisure time. I’m just frustrated that when I do sit down to do something productive I am always interrupted and never get to finish.

This turned into more of a rant than anything.  I am planning on posting my goals next.